White Flag

I don't know how to start this, but then again, I guess it doesn't really matter because no one reads this but Tristan (thanks Tristan). I have spent much of my life trying to achieve things-- good grades in school, pride from my asian parents ( I don't know why I had to include the word "asian." Maybe because it compliments the word "pride"--it's the A-Z-N, nig-...), cool points with the cool kids...but I'm tired, really tired. Recently I've been thinking about this more and more, and contradicting-ly (whatever) both relieving and discouragingly, I've come up with the 'duh' conclusion that I will never be able to conquer it all. There will always be another person to impress, another A to score, another internship/scholarship/boy/standard/fashion/hobby...when will I ever just be content?
For those of you who know, I've been combating a somewhat typical, but oh-so-painful struggle with trying to...God, who knows what I'm trying to do? And as a result, being the self-sufficient Emily I have always striven to be, I've been daily attempting to remedy myself from my sickness and pain with google searches, books, and thinking for hours on end. But since day one, I knew the answer. So what's the problem? I guess I'm just having trouble relinquishing my hold and power over myself to Him who knows best.
I will never be "perfect." I will never be as smart, as pretty, as thin, as funny, as charming, as tall, or as courageous as I would like to be. I could work my whole life trying to self-perfect, improve, and beat myself up to strive to be these things. But the Word shoots all of these things down--
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

I pray that I will one day see my own worth and that I am just fine the way God made me--
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made" Psalm 139:14a

If God loves me the way that I am--
"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17


I should learn to love me, too.