two posts, one day.

I know when I'm getting stressed when I start to have mind-barfs on a mind-clearing walk, while magazine browsing, while sending an e-mail to a professor:

"Honestly, I am starting to feel a little overwhelmed with the new additions to my application stack. My list has grown from a list of 3 to a list of 7 since opening up programs to out-of-state schools. On one hand, I am very excited for the possibility of studying away from home, for venturing out and having room to grow on my own, and having the opportunity to develop away from everything that's familiar. On the other hand, I am scared to consider each school--each a different city, much (much) colder than here. Of course, my application to these programs doesn't guarantee my admission, nor does an acceptance to the programs require enrollment on my part, but I am starting to feel really stressed. Is this normal?"

MESSAGE SENT.

I wish the weather would just decide.

I wish the weather would just decide so I can finally decide what kind of day it will be. 

On my drive home, it starts to rain, and immediately, my brain is filled with all the indoor things I can accomplish today. 

By the time I get home, however, the sky has cleared, but it's still chilly out. I think to myself, "What a good day for a walk!" 

After some chocolate soymilk and bread, I pull out my homework and decide to finish my work quickly so I can fully enjoy my weekend ahead. Oh but of course, fickle weather, the sky begins to darken once again and consequently, my mind begins to slow down as well. LAZY DAY, I declare. 

I begin my ritualistic e-mail/facebook check before I flip open my assignment, convincing myself I have a whole dark day to revel in my mind-wanderings when, you guessed it--sunnyshineshine!

Oh what a tease you are, Mr. Weatherman!

Intervention.

Perhaps it's a flaw that I find my own opinion so important that I often insert myself and apply my opinions to situations that honestly do not concern me, but in this case, I think I ought to have a say because quite honestly it concerns two of the most important people in my life. My younger brother and my mom have been coming to this same argument all summer. It finds itself erupting during dinner, family vacations, and in passing, at home. All summer long my brother's schedule is: wake, eat a bowl of cereal in front of the TV, move onto violent video games, TV, workout, eat lunch in front of the TV, back to video games, dinner, workout, Scrubs, sleep. REPEAT this schedule for all that days we weren't in Chicago, the cruise to Alaska, the week we were in norcal, and the couple days he went to the movies, or hung out at a friend's house. Honestly, it's true that I cannot say that I didn't have a couple of lazy days myself, but as a whole, my downtime had given me the opportunity to develop a new outlook on life, to really think about what it is I believe in, and at this cusp of a new beginning, what life is really all about.

This summer I was able to travel a little bit, getting out of the house and spending a lot of time with the closest people I have to me. Though on the trips, I'm sure we've had our share of disagreements, as a whole, I only remember the good times, the laughs, and the rare opportunities to share our opinions, thoughts, and ideas. This summer, I've come to see that, wow, parents are people, too :) In addition to the new relationships I've built with my mom, dad, and brother, as well as the family members we visited along the way, I am so thankful for the things that I got to see while traveling. I walked in the urban area of historic Chicago; I sailed past the glaciers of natural rural Alaska; I relaxed and biked up and down a quiet cul-de-sac in Northern California suburbs with my niece and nephew (hey, you Norcal people have something to brag about); I rode the Amtrak down from San Jose to LA (too long, though) and saw the farms, the valleys, the mountainsides, and coastline of California--all these experiences were amazing times with family that I could never recreate with anyone else, and for these times, I am so blessed and so thankful. I used to, very naively, sit and compare my life with other people's, wishing that I could go to the places that they went to, see the things that they saw, and imagining how great my life would be if I could just do what they did. But now, I know better. I see that every mind is different and every thought-process beautiful. And though the physical make-ups of every human eye are similar, what is perceived by them may be totally different in comparison. This mind cannot generate much profoundness--no ground-breaking technologies, no mind-blowing theories on math, but it is mine. With it, I can detect the beauty in the world around me in the form of tantalizing kale leaves (this one's for you, Donna), face-numbing Alaskan breezes, friendly-to-tourists Chicago natives, indescribable waves of laziness, and the even more beautiful ability to follow through and really do nothing on a lazy day. My brother's poor argument against my mom's challenge to think about what we've done this summer, he said that he found "Chicago boring" and that Alaskan scenery was "sure, pretty, but that's about it." I cannot describe how much that hurt. I realized that no matter how I could attempt to describe what made each experience a life-altering one, what I enjoyed at each end of every block intersection, pocket park, or street cafe scene, he could never fully comprehend what it is I saw and enjoyed so much.

Now I'm not tooting my own horn, trying to say I'm an oh-so-deep thinker or anything; I'm just saying that I'm enjoying what I see--a lot, this summer, and I wouldn't trade it for the world :)

Haha, and what started as an attempted counterargument to my brother's argument for watching TV all summer, I've realized is no more than another opportunity to think about what I'm doing with my time. The actual disagreement is not my fight to fight. And who knows, maybe my brother is perfectly happy with his mind and his way of thinking. To each his own, I guess.

UGLEE DAYZ SUXORZ

What if the world had no mirrors?

Would the girls who wear too much makeup buy foundation anymore?
Would people bother to make rude comments about "ugly" people?
Would you spend less time picking out what to wear to work? to dinner? on a date?
Would you still shell out $50 for a haircut?
Would you trust me to tell you you had a booger in your nose?
Would you still be so self-conscious?

Today I wished the world had no mirrors. Mirrors blatantly reveal the facts of your physical being. What's even worse is that a twisted mind can take that ugliness and make you see through different eyes--sad eyes, hateful eyes, disappointed eyes.

But realizing this, I hope that I will not be set back by these eyes and what they see, and remember that it's not what my impaired vision captures that counts, but what God's loving and gracious eyes see that matters.

Operation Photoblog Cont'd

6. 25. 2009
"Sam Wow"
South Pasadena, CA


6.26.2009
"We should have named him El Berro"
Thomas Guide, In the Car

<6.27.2009>


6.28.2009
Backyard


6.28.2009 (to make up for 6.29)


6.30.2009
He's so spoiled.


7.1.2009
South Pasadena, CA

I'm having fun doing this, but yes, this post is a little weaksauce. I will try better next time. It's just that sometimes, when I'm in the midst of doing something super cool, pulling out a camera becomes a drag, so now I just have designated photo shooting times, even if just for 5-10 minutes. This is pretty cool. During down times of nothingness, it's easy to forget what you've done with all your time. You see, I could've sworn I've done nothing for the past two weeks, but my pictures say otherwise. PREEEETYYY COOL.

a picture a day

"Bare Beach"
La Jolla, CA
6.24.2009









6.23.2009











<6.22.2009>

6.21.2009











6.20.2009












"Lift Off"
South Pasadena, CA
6.19.2009

Irresponsible Forgetfulness

It's funny how quickly we forget. Days, weeks, months of loneliness--not wanting to get up in the morning, dreading the next day, but at the same time, hoping life would just pass by quicker. I'm happy to say that today is not one of those days, and I have not had that dark and empty feeling for a long time now. I am on the other side, and I feel good.

Looking in at those who are in darkness, I, forgetfully, heartlessly and hypocritically send a hateful glare. I unknowingly add to their pain, snuffing out any ounce of faith they had in me.

Luckily, all it takes is a couple minutes for a friend's perspective-changing realization that can warm and transform a cold heart back into a feeling and sympathizing thing once again. Though it means reliving the hurtful past for a little while, it is no comparison to a person's real and vivid heartache of loneliness in the present.


I'm sorry, I will not forget anymore.

The Bear Paw

This year, I learned to write without lines. 

For as long as I remember, my life thrived on instructions, rules, formats, etc. Whether it be getting the best shampoo for my buck, or getting to class the most efficient way--I always needed to choose the best choice and pick the right way. But this year, I realized that there are no black and white rules to life. This life is my own and my way is the right way. So though my walk to class may be physically longer, with more hills and dips than you would prefer, I like it just fine because it's the right way for me.

P.S. Priscilla is awesome. 

anteater game.

There are those whom God has blessed with the gift of putting into words what the mind struggles to express--and those who are blessed to have them as roommates.

www.xanga.com/heresthelove
Thursday, May 14, 2009

I am who I am. No matter how many times I get the look up and down, I will be this person. No matter how much I try and rid myself of this body, I will be this person. I never thought to understand this girl, only to change her. And now that I know myself a little bit better... I am who I am and I love it. And I think this is the first time in my life that I've been able to say this and mean it. -Priscilla one day I'll get there.

Charizard

Tonight, I'm still justifying my unproductivity with the fact that I worked really really hard last week and got NO sleep at all. However, though what I've done tonight may not manifest itself in papers or projects, I think what I've accomplished tonight is some much-needed inner work. Today I turned in the proper forms to change my major to Urban Studies in the fall, which would allow me to graduate a quarter early. Though I've pondered this idea for a couple days now, I've come up with a list of things to do with my newfound 10-weeks come next March. Though my list is undoubtedly growing, I'm afraid my confidence and excitement is not. What if I don't find a job? What if I don't make it? What if I sit on my lazy butt and get fat(ter)? Ideally, I would like to find a high energy, fun, and low-stress job that only requires me to work half-days--giving me time to take my walks and sit in silence. When thinking about my future, all I can picture is my ideal. I am afraid that anything less than perfect will result in a very unhappy me.

But as I strive for perfection--in more ways than just finding a perfect job, a perfect husband, or being perfect, I am finding out that there is no such thing as perfect in this world-- and no, I'm not saying we should all settle. I'm just saying that, personally, when I'm in that mode, on the search for perfection, I focus all the things that are not and easily miss all the wonderful things that are. As a continuation of my last post, I am thankful for good friends, graduating early, ducks, health, and family. Thank God for the things that are. Help me not to forget that.

（如果你看的懂．．．很棒！我每天都要十二點上床睡覺。）

roasted marshmallow

This past week was one of the most stressful weeks I've had in a really long time. By the end of it, I was relying on coffee to make it through the day. I am thankful that it's over. I am thankful there are only 5 more weeks left. I am thankful for my momma. YAYY.

I'm a cold COLD BIZ.

For the last couple of days, I feel as though I haven't been able to think straight. I can feel myself going through the movements, but not actively thinking about what it is I'm doing. Can it be the lack of sleep? The lack of control? I feel like so much is going on, but in actuality, nothing really is. I'm not shaken by the commotion of all the "busy-ness", but I'm not totally unaffected either. I don't feel particularly productive, but I'm not beating myself up for it. I know I have things to do, but I'm not moved to do it. What is this numbness, this nonchalance?
I want to say that it's that I've finally realized that there's no point in doing a lot of the busy work I used to do anymore, and that I've found freedom in the fact that I don't HAVE TO do anything.
But then again, I don't want to pat myself on the back for a potential breakthrough, esp. when it could just be symptoms of being tired and PMS.

Is it okay?

Is it okay that I feel myself changing?
And is it okay if I'm not sure if it's for the better or for the worse?

I feel as though I'm losing control of my life: I don't sleep at a reasonable time. I can go through the weekend without looking at my must-have planner. I eat until I want to stop. I'm not sure what I'm doing tomorrow, or, for that matter, exactly what it is I should be doing right now. I have no set plans for the upcoming summer. But I feel okay--at least I think I do.

For those of you that know me, this is quite out of the ordinary; for me, knowing myself and living as the control-freak me for the past 20 years, I'm freaking out a little. If it wasn't schoolwork I needed to have a handle on back then, it was a stupid boy. If it wasn't obsessing about my looks, it was getting the next best internship/work experience/scholarshipblahblahblah. Looking back, I can honestly say, I don't feel as if I have much to show for all that stress, all that worry, and all that struggle. I was not valedictorian, homecoming queen, or class president, nor am I anything close to any college equivalent to any of those things now. BUT CRAZILY ENOUGH, I feel okay. I feel better than okay.

Walk with me.

Though some (who shall be unnamed :)) may argue that walking be a waste of time and valuable muscle, I argue that walking is a worthwhile pastime when one takes the time to fully enjoy the journey.
Let me explain.
While driving down a scenic route with my good friend Viet this afternoon, I noticed the number of people in their workout clothes jogging alongside the street. As I envied their endurance, strength and willpower to myself silently, I became aware of the number of not-so-fast (some would call, lazy) people. Some of these people were, true, not as fit as the joggers, but one thing was clear: they all seemed strikingly content and happy. You may argue that the joggers were running so fast I didn't have time to catch their smiling facial expressions, but pay attention to what I'm saying; I'm not arguing that walkers are happier than joggers, but just that walking brings walkers pleasure. Now, all of these walkers were strolling at a healthy pace, pushing strollers, carrying conversations with walking buddies, and in some cases, holding hands. They were looking around, pointing at the magnificent views of Back Bay, and having a good time. They were enjoying their surroundings, beautiful God-given gifts in real time. Walkers don't walk just because we are too fat to run; we walk because we can experience things better along the way. And if we can have a nice afternoon experiencing fresh air, good sights, pleasant company, and get some physical exercise in, why wouldn't we?
We are so obsessed with speed these days--with finishing first, by beating others to the top, that we often forget to just chill out and look around. True, your body "may be meant to run." True, you may not get the best workout from running. True, you may not be the first up the hill-- but you enjoyed the journey, didn't you?

White Flag

I don't know how to start this, but then again, I guess it doesn't really matter because no one reads this but Tristan (thanks Tristan). I have spent much of my life trying to achieve things-- good grades in school, pride from my asian parents ( I don't know why I had to include the word "asian." Maybe because it compliments the word "pride"--it's the A-Z-N, nig-...), cool points with the cool kids...but I'm tired, really tired. Recently I've been thinking about this more and more, and contradicting-ly (whatever) both relieving and discouragingly, I've come up with the 'duh' conclusion that I will never be able to conquer it all. There will always be another person to impress, another A to score, another internship/scholarship/boy/standard/fashion/hobby...when will I ever just be content?
For those of you who know, I've been combating a somewhat typical, but oh-so-painful struggle with trying to...God, who knows what I'm trying to do? And as a result, being the self-sufficient Emily I have always striven to be, I've been daily attempting to remedy myself from my sickness and pain with google searches, books, and thinking for hours on end. But since day one, I knew the answer. So what's the problem? I guess I'm just having trouble relinquishing my hold and power over myself to Him who knows best.
I will never be "perfect." I will never be as smart, as pretty, as thin, as funny, as charming, as tall, or as courageous as I would like to be. I could work my whole life trying to self-perfect, improve, and beat myself up to strive to be these things. But the Word shoots all of these things down--
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

I pray that I will one day see my own worth and that I am just fine the way God made me--
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made" Psalm 139:14a

If God loves me the way that I am--
"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17


I should learn to love me, too.