I'm a cold COLD BIZ.

For the last couple of days, I feel as though I haven't been able to think straight. I can feel myself going through the movements, but not actively thinking about what it is I'm doing. Can it be the lack of sleep? The lack of control? I feel like so much is going on, but in actuality, nothing really is. I'm not shaken by the commotion of all the "busy-ness", but I'm not totally unaffected either. I don't feel particularly productive, but I'm not beating myself up for it. I know I have things to do, but I'm not moved to do it. What is this numbness, this nonchalance?
I want to say that it's that I've finally realized that there's no point in doing a lot of the busy work I used to do anymore, and that I've found freedom in the fact that I don't HAVE TO do anything.
But then again, I don't want to pat myself on the back for a potential breakthrough, esp. when it could just be symptoms of being tired and PMS.

Is it okay?

Is it okay that I feel myself changing?
And is it okay if I'm not sure if it's for the better or for the worse?

I feel as though I'm losing control of my life: I don't sleep at a reasonable time. I can go through the weekend without looking at my must-have planner. I eat until I want to stop. I'm not sure what I'm doing tomorrow, or, for that matter, exactly what it is I should be doing right now. I have no set plans for the upcoming summer. But I feel okay--at least I think I do.

For those of you that know me, this is quite out of the ordinary; for me, knowing myself and living as the control-freak me for the past 20 years, I'm freaking out a little. If it wasn't schoolwork I needed to have a handle on back then, it was a stupid boy. If it wasn't obsessing about my looks, it was getting the next best internship/work experience/scholarshipblahblahblah. Looking back, I can honestly say, I don't feel as if I have much to show for all that stress, all that worry, and all that struggle. I was not valedictorian, homecoming queen, or class president, nor am I anything close to any college equivalent to any of those things now. BUT CRAZILY ENOUGH, I feel okay. I feel better than okay.

Walk with me.

Though some (who shall be unnamed :)) may argue that walking be a waste of time and valuable muscle, I argue that walking is a worthwhile pastime when one takes the time to fully enjoy the journey.
Let me explain.
While driving down a scenic route with my good friend Viet this afternoon, I noticed the number of people in their workout clothes jogging alongside the street. As I envied their endurance, strength and willpower to myself silently, I became aware of the number of not-so-fast (some would call, lazy) people. Some of these people were, true, not as fit as the joggers, but one thing was clear: they all seemed strikingly content and happy. You may argue that the joggers were running so fast I didn't have time to catch their smiling facial expressions, but pay attention to what I'm saying; I'm not arguing that walkers are happier than joggers, but just that walking brings walkers pleasure. Now, all of these walkers were strolling at a healthy pace, pushing strollers, carrying conversations with walking buddies, and in some cases, holding hands. They were looking around, pointing at the magnificent views of Back Bay, and having a good time. They were enjoying their surroundings, beautiful God-given gifts in real time. Walkers don't walk just because we are too fat to run; we walk because we can experience things better along the way. And if we can have a nice afternoon experiencing fresh air, good sights, pleasant company, and get some physical exercise in, why wouldn't we?
We are so obsessed with speed these days--with finishing first, by beating others to the top, that we often forget to just chill out and look around. True, your body "may be meant to run." True, you may not get the best workout from running. True, you may not be the first up the hill-- but you enjoyed the journey, didn't you?