----------------------------------------------------------------
It's been awhile since I last published a post (for a variety of reasons), but I thought I'd just publish today just so I can say I did something-- and channel this flood of frustration to good use (hah, bet you didn't see that one coming).
With less than two months of college left, I have learned a lot about myself and have a better picture of where I fit in in this huge universe. I know to Whom I belong to. I know who are my friends, and who are good as acquaintances. I am familiar with the pessimist Emily as well as the silly and fun Emily. I recognize that I am demanding and I have certain expectations of myself and of others. My first instinct is never to settle, but only when I think about over and over in my head, I become defeated and surrender (which is usually the by time my opinion is revealed in word-form).
A month ago, I was faced with a big decision: New York or L.A. Though most arrows were pointed to the gas-guzzling CA metropolitan, I was delighted with the glimmer of possibility in moving to one of my most favorite cities in the world. I could imagine waking up, looking out and seeing bare trees. I felt the cold breeze sneak under my scarf as I walked down a crowded street to class. I closed my eyes as I saw myself hug a warm mug of cafe au lait in the afternoon as I people watch by the window in a cute cafe. Though I wouldn't know anyone, I would hope to quickly make friends. For dinner, grilled vegetable pasta and hot chocolate for dessert. At night, I would quickly fall asleep in the warm refuge of my room against the chilly New York night, rightfully wearing an "I heart NY" t-shirt.
But all of these things can be done here. Closer to my family. Closer to my friends. Closer to Clement. Everything I've built up is here, and I wanted to continue to build.
After going to the USC Open House, I was extremely excited to stay. In place of the bare trees, I'll have palm trees. Not by subway or by foot, but I'll be in class after a commute through horrendous L.A. traffic--but I get to keep my car. Instead of cafe au lait in a cute cafe...well actually, I can have that. Living at home, dinner will be with my parents, so it'll be something with rice. And my room is my room--always a refuge from both L.A. and New York.
---------------
I am not giving in or copping out. I believe that I have made a correct decision, but I have to recognize that I have made it for myself. As much as I stayed for my family, for my friends, for the possibility of a future with Clement, my decision to stay is not FOR them. They do not owe me, and I will not resent them for my choice.
What excited and will always excite me about New York is the possibility of something new and fresh. I can have something new and exciting here, can't I?
1 comment:
Beautifully human.
Post a Comment