White Flag

I don't know how to start this, but then again, I guess it doesn't really matter because no one reads this but Tristan (thanks Tristan). I have spent much of my life trying to achieve things-- good grades in school, pride from my asian parents ( I don't know why I had to include the word "asian." Maybe because it compliments the word "pride"--it's the A-Z-N, nig-...), cool points with the cool kids...but I'm tired, really tired. Recently I've been thinking about this more and more, and contradicting-ly (whatever) both relieving and discouragingly, I've come up with the 'duh' conclusion that I will never be able to conquer it all. There will always be another person to impress, another A to score, another internship/scholarship/boy/standard/fashion/hobby...when will I ever just be content?
For those of you who know, I've been combating a somewhat typical, but oh-so-painful struggle with trying to...God, who knows what I'm trying to do? And as a result, being the self-sufficient Emily I have always striven to be, I've been daily attempting to remedy myself from my sickness and pain with google searches, books, and thinking for hours on end. But since day one, I knew the answer. So what's the problem? I guess I'm just having trouble relinquishing my hold and power over myself to Him who knows best.
I will never be "perfect." I will never be as smart, as pretty, as thin, as funny, as charming, as tall, or as courageous as I would like to be. I could work my whole life trying to self-perfect, improve, and beat myself up to strive to be these things. But the Word shoots all of these things down--
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

I pray that I will one day see my own worth and that I am just fine the way God made me--
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made" Psalm 139:14a

If God loves me the way that I am--
"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17


I should learn to love me, too.

Parking My Car & Beating the System

This week, I realized that I always park my car ridiculously close to the right--considerately leaving passengers on the left lots of room to exit the vehicle, but forcing myself to squeeze out of a tiny crack. Now I don't report this to brag about my flexibility or to make you want to ride in my car, but rather as an attempt to illustrate how I'm living my life these days.
Truth is, I make my life harder than it needs to be, and it has to stop if I don't want to become a white-hair shriveled up prune. It's good that I recognize the problem, but the next step is, how?
I was bombarding one of my friends (again) today with another one of my self-revelation rants and he said that when he's in times of stress, what he does is he tries to beat the system. Beat the system. I wonder if that's how all these inventions and breakthroughs happen--stressed out people trying to make their own lives easier, and coming up with things like electricity and backscratchers. Makes sense, doesn't it? So okay, beat the system. Make things go according to my terms the way I want them. Beat the system.