"Oh Lucy, Quit Co-planin' "

If you can remember who said that in the 9th grade during Chi's Geometry Honors class, YOU WIN. (I quote it all the time!)

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It's been awhile since I last published a post (for a variety of reasons), but I thought I'd just publish today just so I can say I did something-- and channel this flood of frustration to good use (hah, bet you didn't see that one coming). 

With less than two months of college left, I have learned a lot about myself and have a better picture of where I fit in in this huge universe. I know to Whom I belong to. I know who are my friends, and who are good as acquaintances. I am familiar with the pessimist Emily as well as the silly and fun Emily. I recognize that I am demanding and I have certain expectations of myself and of others. My first instinct is never to settle, but only when I think about over and over in my head, I become defeated and surrender (which is usually the by time my opinion is revealed in word-form).

A month ago, I was faced with a big decision: New York or L.A. Though most arrows were pointed to the gas-guzzling CA metropolitan, I was delighted with the glimmer of possibility in moving to one of my most favorite cities in the world. I could imagine waking up, looking out and seeing bare trees.  I felt the cold breeze sneak under my scarf as I walked down a crowded street to class. I closed my eyes as I saw myself hug a warm mug of cafe au lait in the afternoon as I people watch by the window in a cute cafe. Though I wouldn't know anyone, I would hope to quickly make friends. For dinner, grilled vegetable pasta and hot chocolate for dessert. At night, I would quickly fall asleep in the warm refuge of my room against the chilly New York night, rightfully wearing an "I heart NY" t-shirt. 

But all of these things can be done here. Closer to my family. Closer to my friends. Closer to Clement. Everything I've built up is here, and I wanted to continue to build. 

After going to the USC Open House, I was extremely excited to stay. In place of the bare trees, I'll have palm trees. Not by subway or by foot, but I'll be in class after a commute through horrendous L.A. traffic--but I get to keep my car. Instead of cafe au lait in a cute cafe...well actually, I can have that. Living at home, dinner will be with my parents, so it'll be something with rice. And my room is my room--always a refuge from both L.A. and New York. 

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I am not giving in or copping out. I believe that I have made a correct decision, but I have to recognize that I have made it for myself. As much as I stayed for my family, for my friends, for the possibility of a future with Clement, my decision to stay is not FOR them. They do not owe me, and I will not resent them for my choice. 

What excited and will always excite me about New York is the possibility of something new and fresh. I can have something new and exciting here, can't I?

two posts, one day.

I know when I'm getting stressed when I start to have mind-barfs on a mind-clearing walk, while magazine browsing, while sending an e-mail to a professor:

"Honestly, I am starting to feel a little overwhelmed with the new additions to my application stack. My list has grown from a list of 3 to a list of 7 since opening up programs to out-of-state schools. On one hand, I am very excited for the possibility of studying away from home, for venturing out and having room to grow on my own, and having the opportunity to develop away from everything that's familiar. On the other hand, I am scared to consider each school--each a different city, much (much) colder than here. Of course, my application to these programs doesn't guarantee my admission, nor does an acceptance to the programs require enrollment on my part, but I am starting to feel really stressed. Is this normal?"

MESSAGE SENT.