For the last couple of days, I feel as though I haven't been able to think straight. I can feel myself going through the movements, but not actively thinking about what it is I'm doing. Can it be the lack of sleep? The lack of control? I feel like so much is going on, but in actuality, nothing really is. I'm not shaken by the commotion of all the "busy-ness", but I'm not totally unaffected either. I don't feel particularly productive, but I'm not beating myself up for it. I know I have things to do, but I'm not moved to do it. What is this numbness, this nonchalance?
I want to say that it's that I've finally realized that there's no point in doing a lot of the busy work I used to do anymore, and that I've found freedom in the fact that I don't HAVE TO do anything.
But then again, I don't want to pat myself on the back for a potential breakthrough, esp. when it could just be symptoms of being tired and PMS.
4.23.2009
4.14.2009
Is it okay?
Is it okay that I feel myself changing?
And is it okay if I'm not sure if it's for the better or for the worse?
I feel as though I'm losing control of my life: I don't sleep at a reasonable time. I can go through the weekend without looking at my must-have planner. I eat until I want to stop. I'm not sure what I'm doing tomorrow, or, for that matter, exactly what it is I should be doing right now. I have no set plans for the upcoming summer. But I feel okay--at least I think I do.
For those of you that know me, this is quite out of the ordinary; for me, knowing myself and living as the control-freak me for the past 20 years, I'm freaking out a little. If it wasn't schoolwork I needed to have a handle on back then, it was a stupid boy. If it wasn't obsessing about my looks, it was getting the next best internship/work experience/scholarshipblahblahblah. Looking back, I can honestly say, I don't feel as if I have much to show for all that stress, all that worry, and all that struggle. I was not valedictorian, homecoming queen, or class president, nor am I anything close to any college equivalent to any of those things now. BUT CRAZILY ENOUGH, I feel okay. I feel better than okay.
And is it okay if I'm not sure if it's for the better or for the worse?
I feel as though I'm losing control of my life: I don't sleep at a reasonable time. I can go through the weekend without looking at my must-have planner. I eat until I want to stop. I'm not sure what I'm doing tomorrow, or, for that matter, exactly what it is I should be doing right now. I have no set plans for the upcoming summer. But I feel okay--at least I think I do.
For those of you that know me, this is quite out of the ordinary; for me, knowing myself and living as the control-freak me for the past 20 years, I'm freaking out a little. If it wasn't schoolwork I needed to have a handle on back then, it was a stupid boy. If it wasn't obsessing about my looks, it was getting the next best internship/work experience/scholarshipblahblahblah. Looking back, I can honestly say, I don't feel as if I have much to show for all that stress, all that worry, and all that struggle. I was not valedictorian, homecoming queen, or class president, nor am I anything close to any college equivalent to any of those things now. BUT CRAZILY ENOUGH, I feel okay. I feel better than okay.
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