i need help.

This clutter is not my oyster and it's keeping me from living the life I want to live!

If it's just one room that's messy or needs updating, I'd be okay. But, it's every room. Every single nook and cranny needs some major TLC and I'm just about out. It barely looks like I did anything at all.

I'm so tired and I'm still living in a mess.

Since then

It's hard to describe what it feels like to have packed up all of my belongings and to be back home in my parents house again. After being on my own for the past four years--learning and living, and learning to live, it is hard to describe just how I feel right now. It's the same house, but it looks somewhat different. I know that I'm home, yet I feel so strange.

Just a couple days ago, I lived, what felt like very passively, through a living dream of graduating from college. How dramatic, you might say, but that's just it, it was dramatic. It marked the ending of one of the life-forming periods of my life. I've been blessed with some of the best friends--the most charming, beautiful and trustworthy people that I, now, can no longer imagine living without.

Home is where the heart is. But what if my heart is here, along with all over the state with each of them as well? That's getting closer to what it feels like. A little disoriented, a little spread out, a little incomplete.

Goodbye for now. It's just for the summer, right?

I think in short paragraphs.

Why is it that whenever there is work to be done, I find the need to reflect and think?

So what is it now, 16 days until graduation and until we're free...at last? I'll be moving all my stuff back home and living with my parents, eating their food, using their electricity. Some people would call this arrangement one step back, but I don't know--I think it's pretty good for me.

I get my own room that I plan on redecorating. Cleaning is always exciting. I'll have a nice backyard in which I can throw garden parties. I can frequent the fridge as many times as I like without judgment, wear my 4th grade P.E. shorts without fear, and reschedule my sleeping patterns to match my parents'! YAY. Yeah, I don't know in which direction this post is going either. I guess that's what it is--mixed emotions.

Anyways, more to come on my reflections of a graduating senior. In the meantime, I have 16 days of work to finish (but I'll probably be back before then).

Goodbyes and reunions to come.

Life is such a fragile thing. It's a shame that it takes someone gone to remember to refocus myself on the things that matter. Death is not all that scary to me anymore because I know where we end up, however it doesn't make it any less painful.

Ow.

Homemade Mother's Day.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! There's nothing quite like something handmade, but over the years hand-painted coffee mugs, papier-mâché wall-hangings, seashell frames have built up in our house, and there is simply no more space for more of these heartfelt tokens of love (not to mention, a tissue paper bouquet made by a 20 year-old is not exactly impressive). This year, I have taken up the project of cooking dinner--a homemade, but ingested gift that requires no storage space except for a rumbly tummy.

At the same time, I thought it a great opportunity to launch a recipe directory that I've been meaning to start for a couple years now. No more recipe binders, cards, or stacks of clippings piled and forgotten in a kitchen cabinet. Time for spring cleaning. Time for keeping it simple.


Lemony Shrimp Salad (http://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/lemony-shrimp-salad)

1/2 lemon, plus 2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon black peppercorns
Salt
1 pound shelled and deveined medium shrimp
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
2 tablespoons grapeseed or vegetable oil
Pinch of sugar
Freshly ground pepper
2 hearts of romaine, cut into 1-inch-wide ribbons
1 cup grape tomatoes, halved
1 Hass avocado, diced
2 tablespoons snipped chives

1. Fill a medium saucepan with water. Squeeze the lemon half into the water, then add it to the water with the peppercorns and a generous pinch of salt; bring to a boil. Add the shrimp and simmer until curled and just pink, about 3 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the shrimp to a paper towel-lined plate. Freeze the shrimp until just chilled, about 5 minutes.
2. Meanwhile, in a large bowl, whisk the lemon juice with the olive oil, grapeseed oil, sugar and a generous pinch each of salt and pepper. Add the romaine, tomatoes, avocado and shrimp and toss. Transfer to plates, garnish with the chives and serve.

Asparagus Pasta Salad (http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/rachael-ray/asparagus-pasta-salad-recipe/index.html)--this one was a beauty! (p.s. I love Rachael!)

1 small shallot or 1/2 large shallot, finely chopped
1/3 cup extra-virgin olive oil, eyeball it
1 pound asparagus, thin spears
2 endive, cored and thinly sliced
1/2 small red bell pepper, chopped
1/2 pound bow tie pasta, farfalle, cooked to al dente and cooled
1/2 cup frozen green peas
1/4 cup chopped flat- leaf parsley, a couple of handfuls
3 tablespoons white wine vinegar
Salt and freshly ground black pepper

*I couldn't find the shallots, so I used small sweet white onions. No endives--next time! And, I accidentally bought curly parsley instead of italian flat-leaf, but it was still delish!

Heat shallot and oil in a small pan on the stovetop over medium low heat for 5 minutes. Allow oil to cool back to room temperature.

Hold a spear of asparagus at each end and snap it. The spear breaks where the tender tops meet the tough bottoms. Line the broken spear up with the bundle of cleaned asparagus. Cut the spears using the guideline of the snapped spear. Par boil the asparagus tops in 1 inch simmering water covered for 3 to 5 minutes. Cool under cold running water and drain. Cut asparagus into 1-inch pieces on an angle and add to a bowl. Combine chopped, cooked asparagus with shredded endive, red bell pepper, cooked pasta, green peas and chopped parsley. The peas will defrost as you toss salad. Pour vinegar into a small bowl and whisk in cooled shallot oil. Pour dressing over salad and toss. Season salad with salt and pepper, to your taste and toss again.

Grilled Chicken with Mint and Pine Nut Gremolata (Cooking Light, May 2010 http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes

/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=1981732)--YUMMERZ! I did everything exactly and it was great. Gremolata is bomb.

• Gremolata:
• 1 cup loosely packed fresh mint leaves
• 2 tablespoons pine nuts, toasted
• 2 teaspoons grated lemon rind
• 2 garlic cloves, minced
• 4 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil
• 1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
• 
  Chicken:
• 2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil
• 4 (6-ounce) skinless, boneless chicken breast halves
• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

  1. To prepare gremolata, place mint, pine nuts, rind, and garlic in a mini chopper; process just until combined. Add 4 teaspoons olive oil and 1/4 teaspoon salt; process to combine. Set aside.

  2. To prepare chicken, heat a large grill pan over medium-high heat. Brush 2 teaspoons olive oil evenly over chicken; sprinkle chicken evenly with 1/2 teaspoon salt and pepper. Add chicken to pan; cook 5 minutes on each side or until done. Remove chicken from pan; let stand 5 minutes. Serve gremolata with chicken.

*When cooking the chicken, cover with a pot cover to keep in moisture. SO GOOD!


Grilled Balsamic Skirt Steak (Cooking Light, May 2010 http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=1981731 )

• 1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
• 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
• 2 teaspoons dark brown sugar
• 1 garlic clove, minced
• 1 pound skirt steak, trimmed and cut into 4 pieces
• Cooking spray
• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt, divided
• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

1. Combine first 4 ingredients in a large zip-top plastic bag. Add steak, turning to coat; seal and marinate at room temperature 25 minutes, turning once. Remove steak from bag; discard marinade.

2. Heat a large grill pan over medium-high heat. Coat pan with cooking spray. Sprinkle both sides of steak with 1/4 teaspoon salt and pepper. Add steak to pan; cook 3 minutes on each side or until desired degree of doneness. Remove steak from pan; sprinkle with remaining 1/4 teaspoon salt. Tent with foil; let stand 5 minutes. Cut steak diagonally across the grain into thin slices.

*I think I should have marinated even longer since I used a sirloin tip steak, which is thicker, right?

And for dessert...

Strawberry Almond Tart--I changed this one up!

Crust (Cooking Light, May 2010):

• 36 Honey Graham crackers (9 sheets)
• 2 tbsp. sugar
• 2 tbsp. butter, melted
• 4 tsp. water
• cooking spray
• Nonfat Vanilla Yogurt
• Fresh Strawberries
• Chopped Almonds
  

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. To prepare crust, place crackers in a food processor (I crushed mine by hand...or Elbert did). Add sugar, butter and water. Place mixture in a 9-inch round tart pan lightly coated with cooking spray, pressing into the pan and up the sides to 3/4 in. Bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes until lightly brown. Cool completely on a wire rack.
3. Fill cooled crust with nonfat vanilla yogurt.
4. Arrange cut strawberries on top.
5. Sprinkle chopped almonds.

__________________________

For later:

With all that extra parley, I tried a Millet Tabbouleh:
Chopped Parsley, Tomatoes, Onions, Millet, Lemon Juice, Olive Oil, Sald & Pepper to taste.

Saturday was a super tiring, but it was so much fun.

I can't believe moms do this all the time...Thanks Mom <3

"Oh Lucy, Quit Co-planin' "

If you can remember who said that in the 9th grade during Chi's Geometry Honors class, YOU WIN. (I quote it all the time!)

----------------------------------------------------------------

It's been awhile since I last published a post (for a variety of reasons), but I thought I'd just publish today just so I can say I did something-- and channel this flood of frustration to good use (hah, bet you didn't see that one coming). 

With less than two months of college left, I have learned a lot about myself and have a better picture of where I fit in in this huge universe. I know to Whom I belong to. I know who are my friends, and who are good as acquaintances. I am familiar with the pessimist Emily as well as the silly and fun Emily. I recognize that I am demanding and I have certain expectations of myself and of others. My first instinct is never to settle, but only when I think about over and over in my head, I become defeated and surrender (which is usually the by time my opinion is revealed in word-form).

A month ago, I was faced with a big decision: New York or L.A. Though most arrows were pointed to the gas-guzzling CA metropolitan, I was delighted with the glimmer of possibility in moving to one of my most favorite cities in the world. I could imagine waking up, looking out and seeing bare trees.  I felt the cold breeze sneak under my scarf as I walked down a crowded street to class. I closed my eyes as I saw myself hug a warm mug of cafe au lait in the afternoon as I people watch by the window in a cute cafe. Though I wouldn't know anyone, I would hope to quickly make friends. For dinner, grilled vegetable pasta and hot chocolate for dessert. At night, I would quickly fall asleep in the warm refuge of my room against the chilly New York night, rightfully wearing an "I heart NY" t-shirt. 

But all of these things can be done here. Closer to my family. Closer to my friends. Closer to Clement. Everything I've built up is here, and I wanted to continue to build. 

After going to the USC Open House, I was extremely excited to stay. In place of the bare trees, I'll have palm trees. Not by subway or by foot, but I'll be in class after a commute through horrendous L.A. traffic--but I get to keep my car. Instead of cafe au lait in a cute cafe...well actually, I can have that. Living at home, dinner will be with my parents, so it'll be something with rice. And my room is my room--always a refuge from both L.A. and New York. 

---------------

I am not giving in or copping out. I believe that I have made a correct decision, but I have to recognize that I have made it for myself. As much as I stayed for my family, for my friends, for the possibility of a future with Clement, my decision to stay is not FOR them. They do not owe me, and I will not resent them for my choice. 

What excited and will always excite me about New York is the possibility of something new and fresh. I can have something new and exciting here, can't I?

two posts, one day.

I know when I'm getting stressed when I start to have mind-barfs on a mind-clearing walk, while magazine browsing, while sending an e-mail to a professor:

"Honestly, I am starting to feel a little overwhelmed with the new additions to my application stack. My list has grown from a list of 3 to a list of 7 since opening up programs to out-of-state schools. On one hand, I am very excited for the possibility of studying away from home, for venturing out and having room to grow on my own, and having the opportunity to develop away from everything that's familiar. On the other hand, I am scared to consider each school--each a different city, much (much) colder than here. Of course, my application to these programs doesn't guarantee my admission, nor does an acceptance to the programs require enrollment on my part, but I am starting to feel really stressed. Is this normal?"

MESSAGE SENT.

I wish the weather would just decide.

I wish the weather would just decide so I can finally decide what kind of day it will be. 

On my drive home, it starts to rain, and immediately, my brain is filled with all the indoor things I can accomplish today. 

By the time I get home, however, the sky has cleared, but it's still chilly out. I think to myself, "What a good day for a walk!" 

After some chocolate soymilk and bread, I pull out my homework and decide to finish my work quickly so I can fully enjoy my weekend ahead. Oh but of course, fickle weather, the sky begins to darken once again and consequently, my mind begins to slow down as well. LAZY DAY, I declare. 

I begin my ritualistic e-mail/facebook check before I flip open my assignment, convincing myself I have a whole dark day to revel in my mind-wanderings when, you guessed it--sunnyshineshine!

Oh what a tease you are, Mr. Weatherman!

Intervention.

Perhaps it's a flaw that I find my own opinion so important that I often insert myself and apply my opinions to situations that honestly do not concern me, but in this case, I think I ought to have a say because quite honestly it concerns two of the most important people in my life. My younger brother and my mom have been coming to this same argument all summer. It finds itself erupting during dinner, family vacations, and in passing, at home. All summer long my brother's schedule is: wake, eat a bowl of cereal in front of the TV, move onto violent video games, TV, workout, eat lunch in front of the TV, back to video games, dinner, workout, Scrubs, sleep. REPEAT this schedule for all that days we weren't in Chicago, the cruise to Alaska, the week we were in norcal, and the couple days he went to the movies, or hung out at a friend's house. Honestly, it's true that I cannot say that I didn't have a couple of lazy days myself, but as a whole, my downtime had given me the opportunity to develop a new outlook on life, to really think about what it is I believe in, and at this cusp of a new beginning, what life is really all about.

This summer I was able to travel a little bit, getting out of the house and spending a lot of time with the closest people I have to me. Though on the trips, I'm sure we've had our share of disagreements, as a whole, I only remember the good times, the laughs, and the rare opportunities to share our opinions, thoughts, and ideas. This summer, I've come to see that, wow, parents are people, too :) In addition to the new relationships I've built with my mom, dad, and brother, as well as the family members we visited along the way, I am so thankful for the things that I got to see while traveling. I walked in the urban area of historic Chicago; I sailed past the glaciers of natural rural Alaska; I relaxed and biked up and down a quiet cul-de-sac in Northern California suburbs with my niece and nephew (hey, you Norcal people have something to brag about); I rode the Amtrak down from San Jose to LA (too long, though) and saw the farms, the valleys, the mountainsides, and coastline of California--all these experiences were amazing times with family that I could never recreate with anyone else, and for these times, I am so blessed and so thankful. I used to, very naively, sit and compare my life with other people's, wishing that I could go to the places that they went to, see the things that they saw, and imagining how great my life would be if I could just do what they did. But now, I know better. I see that every mind is different and every thought-process beautiful. And though the physical make-ups of every human eye are similar, what is perceived by them may be totally different in comparison. This mind cannot generate much profoundness--no ground-breaking technologies, no mind-blowing theories on math, but it is mine. With it, I can detect the beauty in the world around me in the form of tantalizing kale leaves (this one's for you, Donna), face-numbing Alaskan breezes, friendly-to-tourists Chicago natives, indescribable waves of laziness, and the even more beautiful ability to follow through and really do nothing on a lazy day. My brother's poor argument against my mom's challenge to think about what we've done this summer, he said that he found "Chicago boring" and that Alaskan scenery was "sure, pretty, but that's about it." I cannot describe how much that hurt. I realized that no matter how I could attempt to describe what made each experience a life-altering one, what I enjoyed at each end of every block intersection, pocket park, or street cafe scene, he could never fully comprehend what it is I saw and enjoyed so much.

Now I'm not tooting my own horn, trying to say I'm an oh-so-deep thinker or anything; I'm just saying that I'm enjoying what I see--a lot, this summer, and I wouldn't trade it for the world :)

Haha, and what started as an attempted counterargument to my brother's argument for watching TV all summer, I've realized is no more than another opportunity to think about what I'm doing with my time. The actual disagreement is not my fight to fight. And who knows, maybe my brother is perfectly happy with his mind and his way of thinking. To each his own, I guess.

UGLEE DAYZ SUXORZ

What if the world had no mirrors?

Would the girls who wear too much makeup buy foundation anymore?
Would people bother to make rude comments about "ugly" people?
Would you spend less time picking out what to wear to work? to dinner? on a date?
Would you still shell out $50 for a haircut?
Would you trust me to tell you you had a booger in your nose?
Would you still be so self-conscious?

Today I wished the world had no mirrors. Mirrors blatantly reveal the facts of your physical being. What's even worse is that a twisted mind can take that ugliness and make you see through different eyes--sad eyes, hateful eyes, disappointed eyes.

But realizing this, I hope that I will not be set back by these eyes and what they see, and remember that it's not what my impaired vision captures that counts, but what God's loving and gracious eyes see that matters.

Operation Photoblog Cont'd

6. 25. 2009
"Sam Wow"
South Pasadena, CA


6.26.2009
"We should have named him El Berro"
Thomas Guide, In the Car

<6.27.2009>


6.28.2009
Backyard


6.28.2009 (to make up for 6.29)


6.30.2009
He's so spoiled.


7.1.2009
South Pasadena, CA

I'm having fun doing this, but yes, this post is a little weaksauce. I will try better next time. It's just that sometimes, when I'm in the midst of doing something super cool, pulling out a camera becomes a drag, so now I just have designated photo shooting times, even if just for 5-10 minutes. This is pretty cool. During down times of nothingness, it's easy to forget what you've done with all your time. You see, I could've sworn I've done nothing for the past two weeks, but my pictures say otherwise. PREEEETYYY COOL.

a picture a day

"Bare Beach"
La Jolla, CA
6.24.2009









6.23.2009











<6.22.2009>

6.21.2009











6.20.2009












"Lift Off"
South Pasadena, CA
6.19.2009

Irresponsible Forgetfulness

It's funny how quickly we forget. Days, weeks, months of loneliness--not wanting to get up in the morning, dreading the next day, but at the same time, hoping life would just pass by quicker. I'm happy to say that today is not one of those days, and I have not had that dark and empty feeling for a long time now. I am on the other side, and I feel good.

Looking in at those who are in darkness, I, forgetfully, heartlessly and hypocritically send a hateful glare. I unknowingly add to their pain, snuffing out any ounce of faith they had in me.

Luckily, all it takes is a couple minutes for a friend's perspective-changing realization that can warm and transform a cold heart back into a feeling and sympathizing thing once again. Though it means reliving the hurtful past for a little while, it is no comparison to a person's real and vivid heartache of loneliness in the present.


I'm sorry, I will not forget anymore.

The Bear Paw

This year, I learned to write without lines. 

For as long as I remember, my life thrived on instructions, rules, formats, etc. Whether it be getting the best shampoo for my buck, or getting to class the most efficient way--I always needed to choose the best choice and pick the right way. But this year, I realized that there are no black and white rules to life. This life is my own and my way is the right way. So though my walk to class may be physically longer, with more hills and dips than you would prefer, I like it just fine because it's the right way for me.

P.S. Priscilla is awesome. 

anteater game.

There are those whom God has blessed with the gift of putting into words what the mind struggles to express--and those who are blessed to have them as roommates.

www.xanga.com/heresthelove
Thursday, May 14, 2009

I am who I am. No matter how many times I get the look up and down, I will be this person. No matter how much I try and rid myself of this body, I will be this person. I never thought to understand this girl, only to change her. And now that I know myself a little bit better... I am who I am and I love it. And I think this is the first time in my life that I've been able to say this and mean it. -Priscilla one day I'll get there.

Charizard

Tonight, I'm still justifying my unproductivity with the fact that I worked really really hard last week and got NO sleep at all. However, though what I've done tonight may not manifest itself in papers or projects, I think what I've accomplished tonight is some much-needed inner work. Today I turned in the proper forms to change my major to Urban Studies in the fall, which would allow me to graduate a quarter early. Though I've pondered this idea for a couple days now, I've come up with a list of things to do with my newfound 10-weeks come next March. Though my list is undoubtedly growing, I'm afraid my confidence and excitement is not. What if I don't find a job? What if I don't make it? What if I sit on my lazy butt and get fat(ter)? Ideally, I would like to find a high energy, fun, and low-stress job that only requires me to work half-days--giving me time to take my walks and sit in silence. When thinking about my future, all I can picture is my ideal. I am afraid that anything less than perfect will result in a very unhappy me.

But as I strive for perfection--in more ways than just finding a perfect job, a perfect husband, or being perfect, I am finding out that there is no such thing as perfect in this world-- and no, I'm not saying we should all settle. I'm just saying that, personally, when I'm in that mode, on the search for perfection, I focus all the things that are not and easily miss all the wonderful things that are. As a continuation of my last post, I am thankful for good friends, graduating early, ducks, health, and family. Thank God for the things that are. Help me not to forget that.

（如果你看的懂．．．很棒！我每天都要十二點上床睡覺。）

roasted marshmallow

This past week was one of the most stressful weeks I've had in a really long time. By the end of it, I was relying on coffee to make it through the day. I am thankful that it's over. I am thankful there are only 5 more weeks left. I am thankful for my momma. YAYY.

I'm a cold COLD BIZ.

For the last couple of days, I feel as though I haven't been able to think straight. I can feel myself going through the movements, but not actively thinking about what it is I'm doing. Can it be the lack of sleep? The lack of control? I feel like so much is going on, but in actuality, nothing really is. I'm not shaken by the commotion of all the "busy-ness", but I'm not totally unaffected either. I don't feel particularly productive, but I'm not beating myself up for it. I know I have things to do, but I'm not moved to do it. What is this numbness, this nonchalance?
I want to say that it's that I've finally realized that there's no point in doing a lot of the busy work I used to do anymore, and that I've found freedom in the fact that I don't HAVE TO do anything.
But then again, I don't want to pat myself on the back for a potential breakthrough, esp. when it could just be symptoms of being tired and PMS.

Is it okay?

Is it okay that I feel myself changing?
And is it okay if I'm not sure if it's for the better or for the worse?

I feel as though I'm losing control of my life: I don't sleep at a reasonable time. I can go through the weekend without looking at my must-have planner. I eat until I want to stop. I'm not sure what I'm doing tomorrow, or, for that matter, exactly what it is I should be doing right now. I have no set plans for the upcoming summer. But I feel okay--at least I think I do.

For those of you that know me, this is quite out of the ordinary; for me, knowing myself and living as the control-freak me for the past 20 years, I'm freaking out a little. If it wasn't schoolwork I needed to have a handle on back then, it was a stupid boy. If it wasn't obsessing about my looks, it was getting the next best internship/work experience/scholarshipblahblahblah. Looking back, I can honestly say, I don't feel as if I have much to show for all that stress, all that worry, and all that struggle. I was not valedictorian, homecoming queen, or class president, nor am I anything close to any college equivalent to any of those things now. BUT CRAZILY ENOUGH, I feel okay. I feel better than okay.

Walk with me.

Though some (who shall be unnamed :)) may argue that walking be a waste of time and valuable muscle, I argue that walking is a worthwhile pastime when one takes the time to fully enjoy the journey.
Let me explain.
While driving down a scenic route with my good friend Viet this afternoon, I noticed the number of people in their workout clothes jogging alongside the street. As I envied their endurance, strength and willpower to myself silently, I became aware of the number of not-so-fast (some would call, lazy) people. Some of these people were, true, not as fit as the joggers, but one thing was clear: they all seemed strikingly content and happy. You may argue that the joggers were running so fast I didn't have time to catch their smiling facial expressions, but pay attention to what I'm saying; I'm not arguing that walkers are happier than joggers, but just that walking brings walkers pleasure. Now, all of these walkers were strolling at a healthy pace, pushing strollers, carrying conversations with walking buddies, and in some cases, holding hands. They were looking around, pointing at the magnificent views of Back Bay, and having a good time. They were enjoying their surroundings, beautiful God-given gifts in real time. Walkers don't walk just because we are too fat to run; we walk because we can experience things better along the way. And if we can have a nice afternoon experiencing fresh air, good sights, pleasant company, and get some physical exercise in, why wouldn't we?
We are so obsessed with speed these days--with finishing first, by beating others to the top, that we often forget to just chill out and look around. True, your body "may be meant to run." True, you may not get the best workout from running. True, you may not be the first up the hill-- but you enjoyed the journey, didn't you?